Resignation and Bodily Suffering

In my 20s, my lower back went out with some regularity, especially at the end of yoga class before or during savasana. Everyone else would start cleaning their mats and putting away props and the teacher would come around, look down at me, ask how I was doing, and I’d say, “I’m sorry I just need a minute.” Then I would work up the courage to roll to the side, push myself up, and go about my day ignoring what had happened. People often wanted to help me get up when my back went out, which was very nice of them, except that the prospect of being in someone else’s control was so terrifying that I’d scream “don’t touch me!” if they tried. Pain and memory have a tricky relationship and I haven’t been in that bad back situation in many years, but as I recall, I wouldn’t be in pain so much as in pre-pain, filled with the certainty that any wrong move would plunge me into agony.

I went to a rolfer and he fixed the problem(s).² I’d go into greater detail if I could, but this was over a decade ago, I saw him at least two dozen times, and none of my memories of him really pertain to bodily repair. (He told me a story about being in his 20s and going to parties where all the men wore skirts and wigs and made out with each other… Can you imagine?) If you look up “rolfing” online, the wikipedia entry and other early results tend to be scornful and dismissive. But fascia is real and increasingly (it seems) recognized by conventional medicine as playing a role in chronic pain, though the suggested manipulations (yoga, normal massage) are stupid by which I mean wrong/inefficient. Ever since that wonderful gay rolfer changed my life, I’ve taken fascia seriously, and traditional stretching and heat therapy are not what it needs most.

I’ve been mystified for a long time by the sentiment that the moment you turn 30, you enter a life of inevitable pain regardless of who you are or how you live. Posts to that effect used to go viral on twitter every year, and my best guess as to what was really going on was that these people drank a lot and weren’t recovering from hangovers as well as they used to.¹ (That’s so My Mom of me, attributing everything to drugs and/or alcohol. But sometimes that’s how it is.) I felt obligated to push back on the insistence that you’re consigned to decrepitude after a few decades of life, but I knew better than to do it in an arena where I’d be accused of erasing disability or not acknowledging financial obstacles to health, or whatever. But here? Here I suit myself!

What I’ve come to believe passionately through my own experience, not just with the bad back but with the bad shoulder, which I’ll get to in a minute, is that a lot of localized suffering can be addressed with relatively modest interventions. But you have to be smart and consistent about those interventions, which is a huge pain in the ass, and usually no one else will take responsibility for it, which also sucks. Before we go any further, I want to make sure you hear me on this: it’s all so annoying. I’m not one of those athletic people who loves being “active.” I like some forms of movement and find weigh lifting fun but constitutionally, permanently, forever, I am a lump who wants to be reading on a couch until she’s covered in sores. I don’t want to take a fucking walk, I DO NOT want any fresh air, and I’m never going to be one of those people (i.e. psychos) talking about how they can only go one or two days without exercise.³  

However, when Joseph Pilates said “movement heals,” he unfortunately ate. Intelligent, deliberate movement can repair many issues that conventional medicine won’t even deign to acknowledge as problems. For instance, my bad shoulder, which first flared up, dramatically and cruelly, while I was showering in San Jose 10+ years ago. I lifted my left arm to wash under it and was struck with a bolt of fire beneath my scapula. I had to work that entire day and I debated getting a sling, because my client was a kind and gentle regular who certainly wouldn’t hold it against me, but I didn’t, and then really regretted it. I went to see an orthopedist who told me, with great amusement and indulgent warmth, that my “problem” would go away when I had children, just like his wife’s neck pain went away after she had theirs.⁴  

So then I did something silly: I basically gave up. My shoulder wasn’t always in pain so I just resigned myself to its occasional debilitating tantrums, as if I were a rat who can’t do anything about the electrical shock it sporadically receives when pushing the food dispenser. But I could do something about it; I had the tools at my disposal, I just didn’t take the issue seriously enough to use them the way I should. Not until two years ago, anyway, when (once again) through enlistment of a rolfer, an especially savvy Pilates instructor, and my own efforts, the problem got fixed. It’s wild now to remember how much my shoulder used to hurt and limit me. I’ve moved on so completely that I have to remind myself, like I’m a reviewing for a test, that it was ever the case.

Ok let me get to the point. Here’s what I would tell and have told friends and loved ones when they’re experiencing a similar pain and/or mobility issue:

• Rolfing is expensive but in my opinion worth it. Of the four rolfers I’ve been to, three were excellent and two were life-altering. I think you can get a good idea of how any given rolfer operates from the reviews and from their website. You could also just ask them about their practice and they will tell you. The Rolf Institute’s training seems to be excellent so as long as they’re certified, you’re in pretty good hands. Rolfing isn’t relaxing and it can be more intense than a deep sports massage (it is not a massage) but you should feel changes afterward and I think the results will sell you!

• Sue Hitzmann is a genius and a blessing who I would follow into battle. I can’t conceive of someone who wouldn’t benefit from a class with her. You can do it at home if there’s no in person option near you; the right tools would be an investment upfront but mine have lasted me a long time. Because you do assessments before and after treatments, you can feel and sometimes see the results. I do at least a little MELTing every day and when I take the time to do a longer, guided treatment, I’m so happy that I did.

• Classical pilates is, to me, almost more like medicine than exercise. Freestyle pilates or whatever it should be called is fine for a workout, but classical pilates is a whole different deal. Because classical classes are small or one-on-one, it’s more expensive than most group exercise options. But like I said, I don’t think of it as mere exercise! Though you will struggle, sweat, build muscle, etc. If you want an online option, I think Pilatesology is pretty good.

• If you have chronic, localized discomfort, you need to pay attention to how you operate your body every day. One common example is that if you carry around a single-strap bag or tote, you should alternate the side on which you carry it. When I was working on repairing my shoulder, I realized my tendency is to lean on my left elbow whenever I’m sitting down, and you know how much I love sitting, so it was happening a lot. Again, this is annoying. But if you’re resting all your weight on your left elbow for five hours every day, it’s going to have consequences. So it helps to become interested in and curious about your habits and alter them accordingly.

I hope this helps if you’re in a similar predicament. I know there are many factors as to why I’m pain free, including luck and genetics, and I also know there is sometimes no way to get out of a particular suffering. But when there is, I think it’s worth doing. Don’t give up before you begin!

1  The audience for these lamentations was quite obviously not blue collar workers, so don’t even start.

2  I think a different bed also played a big role. Tempurpedic is an expensive, extremely heavy mattress that is almost impossible to move on your own, because it has the dense, spongy weight of..I don’t know…soaked wool? The world’s largest piece of un-toasted French Toast? Man, I hate trying to push that thing around. But I’ve moved with it 4 times and will never leave it behind unless I’m in some sort of apocalypse scenario.

3  I’ve written a much longer thing about this, so you have that to “look forward to” at some later date.

4  I’ve thought about this woman ever since. Hope she got free!